Heavy breathing in aisle one (three, five, etc)

I am just back from grocery shopping and it was shopping with a difference today because I heard heavy breathing in the aisles. Now is that different, or what? And no, it wasn’t my imagination, wishful thinking or whatever you might come up with, it was actually happening. Here is the story.

Contentedly I entered the supermarket, checking my list while I was heading for the fruit & veg section. I got the leeks, lettuce, onions and tomatoes of my list and whilst I was checking the Granny Smith apples (I don’t want to buy the ones which are sticky to the touch, now do I?) I heard a very obscene sound. Huh, what was that? I touched the apples again, and surprise suprise there it was again. HUH? Was there someone around pulling a prank? A hidden camera show maybe? I checked, but couldn’t spot anyone or anything (as if you would with a hidden camera). Weird!

I decided to leave the apples and headed over to the bananas. I picked up a bunch and lo and behold there was the heavy breathing again. Grrrrr, how frustrating, if I could only pinpoint the origin of the sound it would make me feel a hell of a lot better, I thought. So, I looked around again and I was pretty amazed by what I saw. There was this guy, in his early thirties, holding a Cantaloupe and it almost looked as if he was turned on by the darn thing. He was stroking, kneading and smelling it at the same time as he was making sounds that would be more appropriate in a bedroom. Mesmerised I watch they guy patting his melon a bit more before he dropped it into his trolley. Okay, show’s over, let’s move on, I thought to myself, but boy was I wrong.

I bumped into him (not literally of course) a couple of times while I was getting the rest of my stuff and watched him re-enact his whole song and dance routine (or would bump and grind routine be a better choice of words ;-)) al over again. One time he even stood right next to me, while he was expressing his obnoxious sounds right into my ear. Could shivers, no not the kind you might associate with pleasure, ran down my spine…..brrr, what a creep!

I had quite enough of it (and I had all my shopping done) so I hurried off to queue up, but just as I rounded the corner I saw that boisterous guy coming over too. OMG, I so not wanted to end up in front of him. So, I lingered around the detergent section for a bit and queued up as soon as I thought it was safe to do so. I was so happy I had done that, all the people in front of me had really flushed and flustered faces. Guess he had been able to give another performance (or two). Anyway, I didn’t see him again until I exited the store and man was I in for a big surprise. There he was………………..

touching himself. NOOOOOOO! Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous (it would have made for an ending with a difference though, wouldn’t it?). But let me assure you, the ending is bit different then you might expect anyway, because it took me quite by surprise too.
So, there he was, just finished putting his shopping away in his backpack and getting ready to mount his Scootmobiel (I don’t know what you call them in English or if you actually have them) Mobility Scooter (thank for your assistance Lord Hutton), groaning, moaning and breathing heavily all the way. OMG, I felt really embarrassed. All the time I had been judging that guy, thinking he was a real perv while he was just a handicapped man who is probably proud he can still get his own groceries in. *blush* Oh well, that will teach! Never, ever judge a book by its cover!