Earlier this year, one of my friends was diagnosed with breast cancer. She underwent surgery and had the tumour removed, did the radiotherapy and is now doing the, not so much fun, chemotherapy bit. Like all (cancer) patients, she has good and bad days, and when she has a good day, she wants to live life to its fullest. So, we go to the theatre, or when she feels like eating, we have a meal together. We fool around like we used to, or we do something that is just plain fun.Apparently, that is not a thing you should do when you are ill, a cancer patient (and bald – she lost most of her hair right after her first chemo treatment). According to some people she should stay home, preferably in bed with the curtains closed so no one would see her. Some people find it too confronting. Others just stare, like my friend is the first cancer patient ever. Oh, and believe it or not, there are still people out there who think it’s contagious or something. They actually treat my friend like a leper and that is soooo wrong!
You know, I always thought that in this day and age, where 1 in 3 people get cancer, the taboo would be lifted, but apparently it’s not! People are still afraid, people still use the C-word, people stay away, and people just don’t know how to act around cancer patients (acting normal doesn’t seem to be an option, at least not in their minds). Such a shame!
Wouldn’t the world be a better a place if we could talk about anything and everything without feeling embarrassed? I always thought we could, but it appears that we aren’t allowed too. Hmmz… that reminds me of something one of my other friends once said “You know a taboo is a weird thing, take masturbation (I’m sorry if I shocked you here) for example, a huge taboo. People don’t talk about it, people think others should not talk about it, but we all know everyone does it (sooner or later or all the time)”. Okay, maybe a bad example, but there are hundreds of topics people don’t talk about just because it is just “not done” to do so. People are afraid (or ashamed) to talk about (sexual/child/mental) abuse, rape, death, incest, depression, suicide, AIDS, menstruation or whatever. These are all things that are out there in the big bad real world, so why on earth shouldn’t we be able to talk about them. In my opinion life would become a lot easier for millions and millions of people who have to deal/live with some of these issues on a daily basis.
13 comments:
Cancer does frighten people and they don't know how to deal with it when they come across someone who has it. It was not that long ago that if you were diagnosed with cancer, there was no cure or treatment and you were basically living on borrowed time and that's why it's so frightening to people. When people found out I had cancer they'd say "Oh I'm sorry" and rapidly change the subject.
So tell your friend to carry on living her life to the full when she's up to it. To be proud of who she is and not to be put off by people who cannot deal with the fact that she has no hair....I wear my scars with pride and don't hide them away behind a scarf as someone suggested I should do when they were at their most vivid. The scars remind me of who I am and what I have been through and how lucky I am to be here. They remind me that I am strong and I can cope with whatever life throws at me because when you've lived through cancer, nothing fazes you anymore.
Talking about cancer is worse than talking about masturbation. Okay, possibly equal to talk about oneself masturbating...
I think in our fitness oriented global society there a two big stigmas: ugly and ill.
Everybody is afraid, that the same bad thing might happen to himself. so it's better to ignore it as far as it works, and they are getting angry, if they can't avoid it any longer, because they are confronted with it.
And the same people feel ashamed, about their feelings, to they aren't able to act naturally around seriously ill people.
So the solution maybe, that people try to overcome their fear, but I think, that won't happen in our anxious world. Feel happy, that you are such a fearless person and enjoy the company of your friend.
I think the world would be a better place if everyone was more like you full stop!
Thats just crazy. I don't know where to begin really.
The Muse has had breast cancer twice. I can't say it was much fun, but at least I got real reminder of what I might have lost had she not survived. We love our life so much.
Thanks for the beautiful and inspiring reply, Aoj. I forwarded it to my friend, I hope you don’t mind. She needs a lot of encouraging words from time to time :)
I do know what you mean when you talk about the time when there was no cure and being diagnosed with cancer was a death sentence. But times have changed…. a lot, and you are living proof. I just thought that people’s perception of cancer had changed by now, but apparently it has not, despite all the media attention and efforts of The Dutch Cancer Society.
You are a remarkable woman, Aoj. Take care, be proud, and live strong :)
I am not saying we all need to talk about masturbation, Wanderingthinker :). I do however, think it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s part of life and if people feel the need to talk about it, it should be possible. Just like other people should be able to talk about stuff that happened to them without fear or shame. But I guess we already said that.
I really don’t get the whole “stick your head in the sand” thing. The whole “if I don’t see it, it doesn’t exist” thing. It’s so…..so ancient! We shouldn’t be ruled by fear; we should give honesty, understanding, commitment and empathy a go!
By the way, nice to see you again :)
Oh, you made me blush, Snowqueen. Thanks :)
Sorry to hear that, Andre. But she is still here, loving life with you and Poppit! I can only quote one Dutch artist who had a saying once “Live your life, like it’s your very last hour”.
I think it is discussed more than it used to be (Too many of us have had to face up to it in one way or another), but it can be a difficult subject to face or talk about openly without thinking about or referring to personal or tragic family circumstances and that can be upsetting or seem insensitive.
I tend not to talk too much about how it has affected a friend and my family because I wish to respect their privacy. I could discuss my mother's operation and how she is coping well, or I could tell everyone about my best friend's 6 month ticket and the deep conversations we have about facing up to death or defying it (one day at a time) but could anyone who isn't in my friend's situation really understand, and would they want to know?
How would my friend feel if I discussed her personal feelings, fears and situation too widely? (She is keeping her own diary and is not afraid to go out of the house. She is making the best of the time that she has. )
For the record my friend has exceeded the 6 months and intends to defy the medical profession and the word 'terminal' ( Although none of us can last forever. )
This post is not coming out the way I intended it and I am making a hash of it. I am not disagreeing with you, Dakota, and I know that some people shy away from the subject but I think that on the whole people do try to handle the situation but simply don't know how to do so - they are frightened of saying something they shouldn't.
It isn't easy for people with little experience or knowledge to understand. They won't be able to turn away from the subject forever and one day it is going to hit them hard. I feel sorry for them. Also some people do not appreciate the advances that have been made these days and so, yes, they are frightened of it. Perhaps there is a need for a bit of public education.
All the best to your friend – I am sure she will come through this well. She has got you on her side.
i'm open to all topics & i loved what u wrote. hope your friend is doing better {{Dakota}}
People don't like to be reminded about whats really going on in the world, and what an unfair place it really can be.
Thanks for your reactions, Kat, Boo and Max. I’ll respond to them tomorrow, simply because I don’t have enough time today to say the things I want to say. I could just quickly respond, but I truly believe this subject deserve some time.
Yes, very true. People can be so judging and so many people are up tight talking openly about issues that matter, especially us Brits.
Best wishes to your friend for a full recovery :]
Thanks for your open and sincere reaction, Kat. I think you are right on so many points, I don’t know where to start.
Cancer is discussed more these days but there is always room for improvement without being upsetting or insensitive. If we are able to let people know that they could talk about it (if they want to do so) without shame, the fear of being judged or hesitation, that would be a step in the right direction to me. My friend had a lot of problems with that, because who do you tell, how are they going to react, do you want to be known as “the cancer patient”. In my opinion a lot of people, you included, are doing this already but if more people are willing to do so, some of the psychological problems people have to deal with might disappear.
You are also right about respecting people’s privacy; I didn’t go into too much detail for the same reason. In my opinion it’s their story to tell, their story to share, not mine.
You said that a lot of people are afraid to say the wrong thing and I also agree with you on that point. I do, however, want to say this, in my opinion is better to say anything (maybe even unintentionally the wrong thing) then to say nothing at all, run away and hide. These people need all the support they can get, running away, changing the subject or ignoring them isn’t going to help them. But you, like many others, know that already.
I think you are doing a remarkable job, being there for your Mum and friend. You support them all the way, a tough job (been there, done that) and it might even be the natural thing to do for you, but believe me, it isn’t all that natural (I’ve seen the deserted people in hospital).
Anyway, keep doing the things you do, keep supporting the people who need it and don’t forget to take care of yourself too. All the best to your friend – I would pray for her if I was religious, but I am not. So, instead I will be sending positive energy her way along with the hope that she will be able to proof the medical profession wrong. Take care {{Kat}}!
Thank you, {{Boo}}. I already knew you are one of the people who wouldn’t run away (from any topic)!
You are right, Max and maybe it isn’t my place to remind them, but I am doing it anyway!
Thanks, DoGGa. I don’t think being up tight about stuff that matters, is a typical British thing. People are up tight all over the world and I truly believe that must change. Where would we be without communication?
I've lost a few friends because it makes them uncomfortable (my masturbation that is) so I don't talk about it. Did I say masturbation? I meant my cancer. Maybe they have a bad memory about a relative who had it or something. I never understood it. I've always been very open about talking about it, it's therapy for me. Lately I talk about it less because it bores me but if I'm ever asked, I talk.
Life is all about living, sometimes cancer patients understand that where others don't.
LOL! Phil, all this time I was suspecting at least one joke and you finally made it :) Hooray!
And you are sooo right…..Life is all about living, so come one let’s live a little :)
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